My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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