never play flip cup with pint glasses
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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