Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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