i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
