don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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