I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
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