Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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