Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
