guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
