I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
