My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
