shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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