I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
this hospital has no fireball
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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