i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
