Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
