i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
