my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
try to milk me bitch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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