Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry about my life...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
