Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
