She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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