It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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