You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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