You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
