My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
