Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
