Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
bring money and cleavage
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
