Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
