I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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