i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
