I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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