Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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