These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
