k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
