What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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