my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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