No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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