a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
