You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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