so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
