no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
