I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
