I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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