I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there