I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?