Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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