He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
