you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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