just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
