you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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