at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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