my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
