I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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