Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Life is so much better after having sex.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
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oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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