We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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