just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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