counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
