Will you blow on my dice?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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