how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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