uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
