He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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