I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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