I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
