I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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